Truth of the Matter by Beck Jamie

Author:Beck, Jamie
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-09-21T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

ANNE

My eyes burn from too little sleep.

I dribble syrup over the stack of toaster waffles and set them in front of Katy, suppressing the urge to tear her robe off and check her arms and legs for more damage. The knife is hidden, but after spending hours scouring the internet last night to research cutting, I learned that she can use dozens of household items—thumbtacks, pen caps, razors, carpet staples—to do the job. At some point today I need to collect as many of these items as possible to remove the temptation.

Whenever I close my eyes, I’m bombarded by the images uncovered during my research. So many children. So many scars. So many chat boards stuffed with messages from frantic parents seeking help.

I count myself lucky to have caught this at the beginning, and to not have a demanding career splitting my attention now. Preventing my daughter’s further self-harm is my absolute priority. Yet I long to return to those pleasant hours yesterday when I’d shopped and met new friends and daydreamed about painting. That glimpse of what my life could be—the mirage—has all but vanished.

Katy needs me more than I need those things right now.

“What would you like to do today?” I sit beside her with my coffee and gently sweep one hand over her head. Research taught me that distracting cutters with pleasant activities is a useful tactic. “We could go shopping—I found some cute stores in town. Or we could go to a hip little coffee shop I tried yesterday. If you’d rather stay home, maybe you’d like to start working on your project for the art show? We could dig around the attic looking for old photo albums.”

“I don’t want to do anything.” She doesn’t look at me, choosing to focus on the stack of waffles. A million questions about what she said to Richard yesterday crowd my thoughts, but I won’t pry.

My muscles and brain ache from the weight of worry that has been building since finding that bloody blade on her desk. “Sweetie, it’s a gorgeous fall day. Let’s find one activity that gets us out of the house for a bit.”

She closes her eyes with a sigh. “I just want to be alone for a while.”

It’s humbling to want to spend time with someone who’d be happier if you’d disappear. I am sixteen again, sitting at the dinner table, trying to hold my father’s attention. Or, more recently, thirty-six and seeking to recapture Richard’s.

Yesterday Katy begged me to let her feel however she felt. I could test that out—leave her alone to wallow or think or zone out. God, that feels wrong, but maybe I’m what’s wrong.

I sit back, staring at my plate, debating with myself. It’s like running a gauntlet. Does she really want me to go, or is she pushing me away to test my love? I can’t tell. In fact, I don’t know anything right now except that my head aches. “You could . . . or maybe we could do some yoga first?”

Katy sips the milk I poured.

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